I haven't posted for awhile. It is not that all things related to adoption are settled but simply I have had computers woes! But, after being silent for so many months I thought I should at least explain to my faithful followers, you know who you are, where I have been.
Reunion continues to be my path and my burden. Please do not get me wrong. My first born is not my burden. He is my delight. It is the journey of reunion that haunts me and weighs me down. It is the memories of what was, the lost hopes of what could have been, the continued ache of loss and the anger that rears its ugly head in my mind that is the burden. Just like we were not told so many years ago that the pain of relinquishment would stay with us all our lives, no we did not go on with our lives and forget, we were not told that reunion would make everything right again.
I must in my simple mind admit I thought if I could just hold him again, if I would just know he was well and happy, if I could just see him one more time all would be well. I had no idea the pain reunion would bring. The waves of grief and sadness that come over me even a few years into the reunion stun me in my steps. I hate the times of silence when I haven't heard from him. I hate the months between contacts but that is not what I am talking about. The "tsunomi" of reunion is what I call the never ending, spontaneous wave that comes over me while I am doing the dishes or out in the garden, when I am not thinking of my son or the past. I really thought in my pollyanna mind that all the pain would be wiped away by the first greeting and hug.
If I could pass along one caution to newly reunited birthmothers it would be that reunion is not a fix all. It is just a part of the journey that we embarked when we were forced to relinquish our children. The journey of reunion may even start before we have been reunited! When it is all said and done I would not trade this journey for all the world today. Don't get me wrong. It is not that I would have wished this life on anyone nor would I have thought I would have had to live adoption relinquishment and reunion. It is not the choice I would have picked. However...
I will embrace it and I will make the best of it and I will thank God everyday for the son He gave me. I will thank Him for the son who has come back into my life in a way I never hoped and I will rest in His promise that He will not give me more than I can bear but will be there to help me through.
I am who I am today because I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy 38 years, 3 months and 26 days ago, but who is counting, and I know that I am blessed to have him back in my life, tsunomis and all!!
Thanks for keeping me on your list and hopefully I will be able to post more often soon. I am heading off in a few weeks to see my baby boy again....I'll keep you posted, literally :-)
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