It was a difficult visit a while back. I wanted, needed to talk about how being separated from my son affected me all these years, how finally knowing who he was, how he was and be able to touch him has altered the path I was on. He didn't want to or couldn't talk about it. I think the latter.
The old fear of loosing him again surfaced. How devastating it would be for me if he ever decided a relationship with me could no longer happen. I realize to tread so carefully is not being truly me but the alternative in my mind makes it the only option. I vowed not to bring up the dreaded "a" word. Adoption would not cross my lips in his presence again I promised.
The next two visits were okay, they were fun and light and I actually felt myself relaxing and showing more of me to him. I accepted the long pauses in contact, the silent weeks that came and went. Then one morning I heard the ping of an arriving text message. Curiously I looked and it was from my son. He wanted to share with me a song he'd heard. He said he bet I would cry. It was a wee bit before I could check out the lyrics to the song he shared. He was right... I cried.
My son, Mr. "I Don't Want To Talk About Adoption" was sharing a song with me that talked about the paths in life, wondering how it would have been if we had traveled them together and hoping they would lead back together again. The video was of a man searching for his first mom, finding her and leaving her a note. It put a smile on my face and a hope in my heart.
Our relationship is a growing one. I realize that so is my relationships with my other children. Life is a journey down the pathways that meander together and apart all the time. I also realize that in his own time, in his own way my son is acknowledging me not just as the woman responsible for giving him life but for loving and nurturing that love for more than 40 years in my own way. That seems to be something he accepting.
Check it out sometime... Dean Brody's Trail in Life. I think you'll cry!