The Waiting Game

I am waiting...
It seems that waiting is what I do most along this journey of reunion. There is a verse in the Bible about waiting found in Isaiah. "But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." I am waiting...

I felt at times close to fainting. A bit dramatic perhaps but there are moments when that is exactly how I felt. The renewing of my strength at times felt so far away.

I waited to find out if I was really pregnant the summer I was fifteen. We didn't have pregnancy dip sticks in those days. Although I knew on one level the moment I became pregnant I waited, watched and hoped my period would start. Waiting...
I waited to deliver my baby. That was a wait I actually never wanted to end. I loved my baby and knew once delivered he would be taken away from me. I remember holding my swollen stomach and wondering if he could feel my hugs. Waiting...
I waited for the moment my son turned eighteen when I could mail my request to be placed on a registry to be found. I literally left the house in the early morning hours of his birthday that year and mailed my application. After that each time the mail truck would pass by my house I waited to breathe, hoping it would stop at my door with a registered letter telling me my son wanted to find me. Waiting...almost fainting.
I waited after I received an email from my son's adopted sister. I waited for her updates and for answers to questions. I waited for her news and I waited for the moment I would hear he decided it is time to meet. That wait was the longest. Waiting...
I remember waiting in his sister's living room for the moment I would lay eyes on him again. It seemed to take an eternity for him to walk from one room to another. Waiting...
Now I wait between emails, between phone calls and between visits. Waiting...but a waiting I do with a peaceful heart...

This week I wait for a letter that is to come from the Ontario government to to confirm what my heart knows. Adoption records opened June 1st in Ontario and here it is mid-August and I have heard nothing. I wait...
I don't need to hear from them to know my son. I applied for my records because I can. But once again the waiting just seems to go on and on. When I called the office that looks after the documents yesterday, they told me it had taken longer to process the vetoes than expected and the first wave of applications were being mailed out this week. I would expect mine to be one of them because I applied in September 2007 when the records first opened and these were to be the ones first addressed. Waiting...

I am waiting for the end of the beginning. Like the anklet I had made to celebrate the fortieth year and the opening of adoption records and the illumination of secrets and a love that has endured through all this time, the waiting will have come full circle and I will soar with the eagles...meanwhile, I am waiting...