Sunday, March 30, 2008

Never Been Taken Away

I will offer a caution before you read this post. It is filled with tears and anger. Every once in a while it hits me like a tidal wave...no warning but ferocious in its hit.

My baby should never have been taken from me. It is an injustice that can never be righted. It was criminal then and it is criminal now. I am angry and the anger causes too much pain. Will my past ever stop hurting my future? I wonder. Soon it will be thirty-eight years since that moment in history when injustice hit me square in the heart. I know there are many injustices in the world and many far greater than this one I live with but this is my injustice. I wear it like a medallion on my chest and it is stopping me from moving forward in my life in spite of all I do. I cry. I seems to help for a minute but no one sees or listens. I told my mother I just needed some time becasue I was upset...an apology because I still see this as something I shouldn't feel but I do...HE SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN TAKEN AWAY FROM ME. Maybe I should have run away in the night. A childhood notion. They would have caught up with me and said that I couldn't care for him. I was too young. I was being selfish. I was not thinking of him only myself and I was bad!

There, now I have said it. Now I can move on...if only for today.

I wonder if the social workers who told us we will forget, have other children and all of the past will be a blur really believed that or if they said it hoping that we would do just that to ease their souls? The only time that child needed you I was told was the moment I gave him life. I don't believe that. The reason I say what I do is because I have just come home from a wonderful visit with my first born. He needed me to be the grandmother to his children, he needed to know where his habits, likes, dislikes, looks, etc came from. He needed to know he was loved and not thrown away like yesterday's newspaper. I believe he needed to know that years ago not just last week. I believe who he is was affected by not knowing and I believe that his future is being shaped by now knowing. Injustices abound!

I am calmer now but I will post this minute in time as it reflects my feeling in the moment. I hope by my outburst that your feelings will be validated too. We have feelings that will not be forgotten when we have other children or marry or carry on. These children that we birthmothers had are our children and they should never have been taken away from us. It just wasn't right plain and simple.
Blessings....
 

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