Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Adoption and Christmas

Adoption loss and Christmas

Celebrating the holidays is always a time to reflect on the past. It isn't just about traditions or about the memories we create. It is also a time to reflect on losses and gains. I have always found certain holidays to be harder on me emotionally than others. I have no problem with Thanksgiving. I count my blessings. New Year's is filled with anticiptation of hope for new beginnings. Valentine's Day has its own feel good thoughts. But for me Christmas is a time that drags up such emotion that it is hard to capture it in one word or a few phrases.

Christmas is a time for family and that maybe is where it starts to get a bit difficult for me. My son had not been a part of my celebration of family for so many years yet there was never a moment that went by during the Christmas season that he was no on my mind. What did he dream of getting for Christmas? Would he be happy? Did he go to a church service or watch the one of my favorite Christmas shows, Miracle on 34th Street? My arms particularly ached for him during this time of year. Yet, I could not tell anyone why I was meloncholy or why I cried when I sang the words to Silent Night. It was the "mother and child" line that g0t me every time and from that point on in the song I could not sing. Tears would stream down my face.

My son and I have been reunited now for 2 years. This is our third Christmas reunited. The first Christmas he called me and I was so filled with emotion just seeing his name on my call display brought me to tears and I couldn't answer! We talked the next day. Last year I tried to call him but there was no answer so again we talked the next day. This year I called him and he said he was just picking up the phone to call me. We talked an hour and a half on Christmas day!

I still missed him on Christmas but I did not feel the emptiness I would have told you about before. There was not the sense that he was missing, just living 1,000 miles away...which he does. Our conversation flowed, comfortable with each other. It was my best gift. Maybe next year Christmas won't seem to be the same as the last 37 years have been.

When you loose a child to adoption the longing doesn't go with it. The empty arms are left behind and with it an empty heart. I am one of the fortunate ones. My Christmas was filled with my other children and with many of my grandchildren. My arms were full but there is a section of my heart that has never been filled by anything or any one else. It is a room locked away that I only enter on days like Christmas. A room filled with years of tears and longing. Maybe there is room in there for the phone call I had last night. Maybe the voice will be louder than the sadness that has filled the room all these years.
 

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