I have two brothers.
I am not sure why my siblings do not acknowledge my first born. They do not understand the path I have traveled to be where I am today in reunion nor do they ask about it. They do not mention my firstborn in any conversation and when I bring him up they ignore me and the comment. I am surprised by this and to be quite frank I am angered about it. He is close to their ages and have much in common with them. One brother is a principal, my son is a teacher. One brother still plays hockey, my son does as well and coaches too. One brother has gone to the provincial curling tournament the past few years, my son curls as well. The list goes on and on.
When I first started the journey of reunion I was absolutely shocked so I contacted my youngest brother. We had always been close but not once in thirty years had we every mentioned I had gone away, had a child and been forced to give him up for adoption. Not once in thirty years had we mentioned the pain I carried daily in my heart. I called my brother for two reasons. One was because I thought that after all this time it was the hour to stop the secrets and the lies. My other reason was to share with him the power of the computer and especially the internet. Computers are his life's work and his world. I thought that alone would be of interest to him. After initially sharing my son and our reunion with my brother it didn't take long before we slipped back into the politeness of just not mentioning my first born again. Did he not care? What does that say about his love for me?
My other brother was a different story. We had grown up always close, sharing the same bedroom and much of the same memories. There are only 2 1/2 years different in our ages unlike me and my youngest brother where there is 10 years. I knew when I got pregnant that my parents were angry and I was forbidden to talk to my brothers about it. This other brother and I had never spoken about what had happened, so I wrote him a letter... a very, very long letter. He didn't respond to me and when I asked him if he got the letter at first he acted like he couldn't remember. Then he told me that it meant nothing to him and would not speak of it! I was hurt and angry. What had I done wrong? I explained the reason for my silence and my pain. He simply replied again it did not concern him and he didn't care. I know how I think what his reaction says about his love for me.
Maybe they don't realize they have a label on them too...The Birth Mother's Siblings! How shocking is that?!?!?!
I am not sure why my siblings do not acknowledge my first born. They do not understand the path I have traveled to be where I am today in reunion nor do they ask about it. They do not mention my firstborn in any conversation and when I bring him up they ignore me and the comment. I am surprised by this and to be quite frank I am angered about it. He is close to their ages and have much in common with them. One brother is a principal, my son is a teacher. One brother still plays hockey, my son does as well and coaches too. One brother has gone to the provincial curling tournament the past few years, my son curls as well. The list goes on and on.
When I first started the journey of reunion I was absolutely shocked so I contacted my youngest brother. We had always been close but not once in thirty years had we every mentioned I had gone away, had a child and been forced to give him up for adoption. Not once in thirty years had we mentioned the pain I carried daily in my heart. I called my brother for two reasons. One was because I thought that after all this time it was the hour to stop the secrets and the lies. My other reason was to share with him the power of the computer and especially the internet. Computers are his life's work and his world. I thought that alone would be of interest to him. After initially sharing my son and our reunion with my brother it didn't take long before we slipped back into the politeness of just not mentioning my first born again. Did he not care? What does that say about his love for me?
My other brother was a different story. We had grown up always close, sharing the same bedroom and much of the same memories. There are only 2 1/2 years different in our ages unlike me and my youngest brother where there is 10 years. I knew when I got pregnant that my parents were angry and I was forbidden to talk to my brothers about it. This other brother and I had never spoken about what had happened, so I wrote him a letter... a very, very long letter. He didn't respond to me and when I asked him if he got the letter at first he acted like he couldn't remember. Then he told me that it meant nothing to him and would not speak of it! I was hurt and angry. What had I done wrong? I explained the reason for my silence and my pain. He simply replied again it did not concern him and he didn't care. I know how I think what his reaction says about his love for me.
Maybe they don't realize they have a label on them too...The Birth Mother's Siblings! How shocking is that?!?!?!
I have thought about this long and hard. Are they protecting my parents and what they thought was the reaction in the '60s? Are they truly disgusted with me for getting pregnant? Or do they simply not understand what it is like for a woman to have a child and then to have the child taken away from her.
What about their nephew? What about my son? Somehow I think I want us both to be embraced and restored to the family as if this nightmare so long ago never happened!!!
I don't have an answer for their reaction. My reason for penning this is simply to bring to light two things. First, it seems to be a common reaction for siblings of birth mothers (first mothers, natural mothers) to be somewhat disinterested. It was a past shared more than they realized. My parents parented the way they did because of what happened to me and their reaction to my situation would have most definitely affected my brothers in a subliminal way. My place in the family has been altered or affected by what happened. I am very aware that I am looked down on even these almost 39 years later. I am viewed as not very "smart" albeit I have more formal education than my two brothers or my parents. That statement alone points to the mindset of the '60s where getting caught just didn't happen to "nice" girls. You just must have been pretty dumb!
The other reason I bring up my siblings reaction to my reunion is to share with you the possibility that birth moms (first moms, natural moms) are still not seen by others with any compassion or understanding. The validation we need comes from other moms in similar situations and from within ourselves but not from society in general. And, I would venture to say not from our children either. Theirs is a different history and a different pain along their path of reunion.
The pain of relinquishment and the anguish we experience in our journey of reunion is ours and ours alone. We want to cry it from the roof top but no one is really listening except for the the ears of those along our path. They hear us and add their voice. Perhaps as the voices rise up and become loud enough we will be heard..understood is another matter.
Add your voice to the throng if you wish. Question, demand and expect answers to your questions. I understand that for 38 years, 10 months and 11 days I was not allowed to question or demand anything. As I do that now I caution myself not to live in the past but to look forward. What does all I did and experience mean for today and tomorrow? A question for another day.
What about their nephew? What about my son? Somehow I think I want us both to be embraced and restored to the family as if this nightmare so long ago never happened!!!
I don't have an answer for their reaction. My reason for penning this is simply to bring to light two things. First, it seems to be a common reaction for siblings of birth mothers (first mothers, natural mothers) to be somewhat disinterested. It was a past shared more than they realized. My parents parented the way they did because of what happened to me and their reaction to my situation would have most definitely affected my brothers in a subliminal way. My place in the family has been altered or affected by what happened. I am very aware that I am looked down on even these almost 39 years later. I am viewed as not very "smart" albeit I have more formal education than my two brothers or my parents. That statement alone points to the mindset of the '60s where getting caught just didn't happen to "nice" girls. You just must have been pretty dumb!
The other reason I bring up my siblings reaction to my reunion is to share with you the possibility that birth moms (first moms, natural moms) are still not seen by others with any compassion or understanding. The validation we need comes from other moms in similar situations and from within ourselves but not from society in general. And, I would venture to say not from our children either. Theirs is a different history and a different pain along their path of reunion.
The pain of relinquishment and the anguish we experience in our journey of reunion is ours and ours alone. We want to cry it from the roof top but no one is really listening except for the the ears of those along our path. They hear us and add their voice. Perhaps as the voices rise up and become loud enough we will be heard..understood is another matter.
Add your voice to the throng if you wish. Question, demand and expect answers to your questions. I understand that for 38 years, 10 months and 11 days I was not allowed to question or demand anything. As I do that now I caution myself not to live in the past but to look forward. What does all I did and experience mean for today and tomorrow? A question for another day.
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