Thoughts on Birthmothers and Mother's Day

Today is Mother's Day, not birthmother's day, not adopted mother's day, not going to be a mom day or had a child but it died day. It is Mother's Day. I am a mother. It is my day and has been for 38 years, one month and 8 days but who is counting.

I remember well my first Mother's Day. I gave birth to my son only the month before. When I sat in church on the morning of Mother's Day the pastor asked who was the most recent mon, who had the youngest child. I rose a hand in my heart. Me, look...me! I wanted to yell. Look at the stretch marks, the loose skin around my middle and the circles around my eyes from crying every night. Look into my heart. You'll see, I am a Mom. I wanted to shout from the roof top that I had a beautiful baby boy and I was proud of him. But he was a secret. shhhhhh I was his mom and that will never change but I could not tell anyone.

Instead of me standing up a woman rose and showed her three month old child to the congregation while her husband sat next to her in the pew. She was the mom they recognized as being the most recent mom, not me. I fought back tears and for the rest of the service I thought I should leave. I was in a church and truth was I was living a lie. Wasn't lying a sin? I didn't realize I would be living a lie for the next thirty-five years!

Mother's Days have come and gone over the years. Each one was rippled in sadness as I remembered a child I could not know. As the children I went on to give birth to and raise were born and in their own ways celebrated Mother's Day with me my heart still wanted to shout..."there is one more that should be celebrating too."

Mother's day is not just about children thanking their mothers for mothering them it is for all mothers to reflect on their role as a mother and the blessings of motherhood. As I have done that over the years there has always been a sadness was that I did not have the opportunity to lift up the one that I had lost to adoption.

The past four years things have been different. I have been able to feel a greater sense of the complete spirit of Mother's Day. For the past four years since I have been in reunion with my son, he too has remembered me on Mother's Day, usually with flowers. Although he does not call me "mom" he does acknowledge me on the day. For that I am happy and I will always be greatful for the blessing of being his "mom" on Mother's Day and everyday. This year he sent me "mums" and in a way I feel like it is "mom" come full circle. Today I can shout it from the roof tops and I have the mums to prove it!!!

Some birthmothers celebrate birthmother's day the day before Mother's Day. They see themselves as first mothers and want to celebrate that doing symbolically the day before Mother's Day. I prefer to see myself as just Mom and so Mother's Day is my day. Call me what you will, I will always be my first born's mom. I may not have raised him, but I have always loved him. In my books, stretch marks aside, that is proof enough I am his mother.
Happy Mother's Day....