Contact, a hard thing to do!

It is really the little things that make you happy.


When I compare my reunion with my first born to others I have read about, both on line and in books, I am often struck by how different mine is compared to others. I realize all reunions are different as each person in the reunion is different. However I often waffle between feelings of times when my reunion is wonderful or it is a dreadful failure. There have been moments when I have considered not continuing to receive posts from an on line birth mother,or natural mother as some would prefer to be called, support groups of any kind. I have had moments when I have seriously considered not staying in the reunion with my son at all. I have doubted whether my son actually cares whether I am present in his life or not. On the other had I have days when I wake up, I read the posts and think I am the most fortunate woman in the world, life just doesn't get any better. Why am I so easily swayed in the two opposites so quickly? What causes me to go from mountain tops to valleys of despair? I believe it is due to the fact I take my eyes off the little things, the things that really count.

Let me give you an example. My son doesn't call me, he rarely emails and if it wasn't for his very considerate wife I would often wonder if I was really in reunion. Yet, he was up front with me from the beginning and told me he would do neither on a consisted basis and I was not to take it personally. I read of women who talk, email and tex-message their first borns on a daily basis. Not so with my first born! Yet I forget so quickly his sense of honour to tell me what he was like so I would not be offended. He struggles to write with any regularity and when he does is always appoligetic at his tardiness.

I don't take initiative on my own to call him. Perhaps he is more like me that the outward physical appearance. He doesn't call either. I don't call him because I am quite frankly too nervous. It scares me to pick up the phone and dial his number. My heart beats fast, my hands sweat and all of a sudden I can't remember for the life of me why I want to call in the first place. I think I am still struggling with the initail feelings of rejection. If I was to call and ever detect a voice of disinterest I would be crushed. My son is so respectful that I must confess those feelings are in my head and not founded on any sliver of fact.

I always find an excuse not to call....it would be too late, I am too grumpy, I'll wake their baby, I am sure he must be out.... This is my issue not his. He has told me I can call whenever I want, visit when ever I feel the need and certainly accepts all emails and letters.

I need to focus on the small things. As they say, count your blessings. He has accepted me into his life, he has told me he is not going anywhere and he always seems so pleased to see me. My focus should be on the fact that I am his mother, the woman who gave birth to him and the one person in the world who would love him unconditionally. I cannot explain the bond of attachment I feel toward my son, It is a bond unlike any other that I know. It is more than a felling and it is more than a need. It is more than a genetic pull. It is a force of nature that is unexplainable. He is and always will be a part of who I am.

Miss hin I may do and struggle to explain the bond and identify the feelings but I cannot deny them. It is that I must hang on to when I struggle in my dark moments of despair. They will draw me up to the mountaintop again when I hear his voice and my heart skips a beat. I remeber well the excitement of my other children being new born and how I hated to be apart from them. When I would return from an hour of shopping I longed to hear their voice, to see their little arms reach up and give me a hug. I suppose that is the longing in my soul for my first born.....he just happens to be older.... by 37 years, 7 months and 21 days!

I must try to keep in mind that what we have is a growing relationship and like all relationships it takes time to establish what is the patterns of contact. Those patterns of contact will change over time as all relatonships do. When I have had best friends we contacted each other every day. We are still best friends but there are times we contact each other once a nomth. I have never had a relationship with my first born and I certainly cannot know what should look like.