Painful Birthday Memories

Today is my son's birthday. Another year, another birthday. I love my son but I hate his birthday and the memories it brings. I hate remembering the feelings as they flood over me, many of them are nameless and painful as are the ones I can remember like loss, anger, shame and abandoment to list a few. I am having more trouble keeping my feelings under control as time goes by. For more than 35 years I would only allow myself to "feel" anything on April 2nd and April 3rd. If emotions came up unannounced at another time I would push them down. Lately feelings have come over me unannounced and there is no control.

I wonder now that I am in reunion with my son if he feels emotions too on this, his day, that he has not known or named before. I wish we could talk about it. Our reunion is just not at the point where we talk the emotional stuff. One day.

I put my energy into purchasing a gift and a card that lifts up how I feel. The gift is never good enough to please me although he usually is very grateful. It is a part of the ritual I need to do. It is my opportunity to touch him again. I wish I could wrap him in a blanket again, hold him and feed him as I did 39 years ago for the three days we were together as mother and child, pretending all was right. That is why I hate his birthday. It was a good day. I had my baby in my arms and that is what I miss even now.

Happy Birthday Baby.