Roller Coasters and Reunions

I use to love riding roller coasters!

The wildest roller coaster I had ever ridden on was a number of years ago at Canada's Wonderland. Canada's Longest Wooden Coaster - The Mighty Canadian Minebuster was the roller coaster that was the scariest I had ever experienced. The scariest that is until I started on this journey called Adoption Reunion! Maybe it is the slow moving climbs of working through establishing a relationship that is scary or maybe it is the fast decending emotional crashes that come after a great visit that makes me feel like I am going off the tracks that is scarier still. Maybe it is just not knowing what is around the bend that is enough to make me white knuckled. No matter what it is I am on this ride for the rest of my life.

This past week has been filled with the kind of ups and downs life and reunions have. I have hoped and dreamed and had both dashed in a few words delivered by a judge that doesn't even know I exist. I am still surprised with my reaction to the verdict delivered in Ontario to the adoption community at large. My life has not been altered by it yet I feel that I have just dipped through a curve on the roller coaster! I still have my first born in my life. I still enjoy the knowledge that he is happy and well. I am still given pictures and updates of my granddaughter regularly. What has changed? Nothing. Maybe that is the point. Maybe the fact that nothing has changed in 37 years, 5 months and 20 days is what is scary!

Adoption is still a four letter word times two! There is no glory in adoption for the child who has lived without knowing their true identity, there is no glory in it for the adopting parents who only whisper the word to closest family and friends and there is certainly no glory in it for the woman who gave birth only to be treated as a non-entity with no rights to love or know their child. Thanks to the judge in Ontario adoption is still a bad word.

When I gave birth I was a child myself. Choices and decisions made for me when I was a child are one thing. Making choices and decisions as an adult should be mine, not a judge who does not know anything about me. Like I said, nothing has changed. I am still made to feel that I am not responsible enough, good enough or wise enough to make good choices or decisions for myself. I am not that sixteen year old anymore and neither are the quarter of a million women in Ontario who lost their children to adoption. We do not have two heads, we are not criminals and we do not want to hurt our children!

I had a birthday this week. I guess I should say I am 38 plus 16 years old. The 16 year old never goes away.

And, I still like roller coasters but I guess I don't need to hop on one these days. I live on one every day of my life in this journey called adoption reunion.