The Child Within
Some days I celebrate the person I am because of my experience of living with adoption. Other days I curse it. The space inbetween those two opposites is vast and there are days that I am lost in the middle.
I sat at my counselor's office the other day crying like a fifteen year old girl. The pain of relinquishment as real is if it happened the day before. The realization that I am in my 55th year yet I felt like I was a child made me hate what my adoption expereince had done to me. I was out of sorts for the rest of the day. I cannot turn the hands of the clock back. This is reality. This is who I am. The child within me is just as real as the woman who struggles to accept what has happened even though it is 38 years later.
Perhaps it would be an easier journey if my reunion story was one that was happening without there being 1,000 miles inbetween us. My son is just so far away still, like he is still gone from me. Perhaps if we could talk weekly or I could see his children growing up and participate in their lives the pain of reliquishment would not have the hold on me the way it does.
I wonder if I should be the one to really take control as he asked me to do. My fear continues to grip me that I will say or do the wrong thing and he will ban me from his life. I still carry the "you are not good enough" sound track that was played to me over and over again.
When will I be able to tell the 15 year old child that she is worthy and entitled to live a live without condenmation or shame?
Thursday, January 24, 2008
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2 comments:
From the moment we lose our babies - there is a part of us that stays broken forever.Even when we reunite,even when we go on with our lives - that terrible experience seems to stay with us.
I hope that your reunion will blossom with time..
Thank you for joining me along this part of my journey. It is so true...we are forever changed by our experience and it is always with us.
I appreciate your comment.
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