Not a dirty little secret!

There is a utube spot that I saw recently made from an adoptee. It was unusual because it was from a male adoptee, about the same age as my son, and he was telling anyone who would listen that no one ever stops to ask the adoptee what they may want. First off, there were never consulted about being adopted to begin with and secondly if they wanted to be found and thirdly how they felt about reunions. They always felt they had to do things to please and otherwise they would not be "good" enough. Perhaps they would even be "given back" where ever back was.

I found it interesting as a birthmom to listen to this man. I wondered how much like a birthmother's perspective it sounded. No one asked how we felt about the decisions made for our lives. Imagine how a mother animal would have felt in nature to have had her newborn ripped from her clutches. The milk in her breast ready to flow to nurture her young one and her heart had been primed for nine months to hold this little one next to it only to have it gone forever. The social workers, our society and even well meaning parents felt that they had the right to make decisions for us and the children. Then they decided that these imposed decisions would be for a lifetime.

Recently I had a conversation with my mother. She has admitted that perhaps her and my father, who is now deceased, made a mistake. That was good to hear. But ususally when someone admits to having made a mistake there is a step towards restitution or at least an offer to make what was wronged right again. She cannot give me back the 37 year, 10 months and as many days that I lived without my son but she could open her arms to having him in her life now. That is not what I hear. There is still the concern about "what would her friends say". I hear that he is still a dirty little secret and I will not permit that. I allowed it back then, but not now. My son is not something to be ashamed of. He is wonderful man, a terrific father and someone I am proud to call "my son".

I think that making that decision, to stand up for myself and my son, is empowering after all these years. My heart is still burdened that he is not received with open arms by my mother or my brothers. It is definitely their loss not have him openly in their lives. I will not hang my head any longer in their presence. It may take awhile for the crook in my neck to straighten out from having been bent so low for so many years but I think I will continue to exercise it. One day it will grow stronger and it will be staighter. My son is worth it and I am worth it too.

If you are reading my posts which have been more sporatic than I would have liked. I would love to hear from you. Do you share my journey from a perspective that I could learn from too?