Adoption Reunion Work

Reunion is hard work.

Reunion is almost as hard as giving birth. It certainly takes longer no matter how long your labour and delivery may have been. I would not change being in reunion for anything no matter how hard the work is but for the record I don't think I have ever done anything so difficult in my life.

I was found after I started to search....that sounds like a contradiction but really it is very truthful. I had put out my name and my availability so to speak and it just happened that someone made the right connections to an adoptee that just happened to be my son. Fate, maybe; coincidence, perhaps; divine intervention; more than likely.

One late night I sat at my new computer in my dark bedroom trying to type quietly while my husband slept only a few feet away in the bed. The new year was coming up to the year 2000 and there was much talk of computer crashes and end of the world things happening. I didn't know much about computers but I was learning fast about all the different adoption sites, especially ones that you could place your name and the birth date of your child on in hopes there would be a connection.

I listed myself on a few sites and was content to think that some day my son would find it there and arrive on my doorstep. On that particular night in late December I wanted to see what a small town in Northern Ontario might have listed on the world wide web! It was this small town that my birthmother's heart told me my son lived. I had no reason other than my heart's whispering to think this was the place. I had no information that would have identified this town. All I had was my gut feeling everytime I passed it on the Trans Canada Highway. I would get jittery, feel a cold chill up my backbone and would always think about my son.

This particular night surfing the web I decided to see if it was listed. Sure enough, a few strokes of the keyboard and there is was. There was a library site that showed pictures of the town and it even had a guest sign in page. Boldly I signed in and wrote a small paragraph stating the birthdate of my son, the city of birth and the fact that I knew he had older sibblings, considerably older. I remember sitting for a minute before pushing "send". Then with a prayer I sent it off.

Reunion is hard work. It is not about the doing of the things to bring about reunion that makes it hard. It is working through the stuff that happens afterwards. Had I known that sending that posting in the guest book would have resulted in meeting my son I would have sent it off in a heartbeat. Knowing the hard work that I would have to endure, the oceans of tears and the burning pain caused by recalled memories, I may not have been so quick. I am a person who tries to avoid pain at all cost. Would I have done it anyway? In a word, yes. But I am glad I didn't know the pain when I started.

My granddaughter has just started walking. I suspect it was good she did not know how much it would hurt to learn this simple mode of transportation. It was good she didn't know in advance that she would fall and those falls would hurt. If she did she may be still scooting around on her butt, propelling herself on one arm. I suppose I am glad I did not know how painful and how difficult adoption reunion would be. But I am glad I am there.

After my guest book posting was sent it sat in the guest book for a number of months. On day, around Easter of the year 2000 a homesick young man on the other side of the world was also surfing the world wide web. Like me, he wanted to see what was listed about this small Northern Ontario town. When he read through the virtual guest book he saw my post and immediately knew the person being written about was a friend of his.

From the other side of the world the wheels were set in motion. The reunion did not happen for more five years after that. Those five years were a part of the hard work in the journey too but as I reflect back, the waiting was a time to gather strength that would be needed for when the real work of reunion would begin after the first face to face meeting.

Reunion is hard work. Reunion does not fix the loss or stop the grieving for the years that are forever gone. It is a constant moving forward and what was the past is only the canvass that the future is painted on. The next part of the story will come in future posts. I hope you will read them, comment on them and gain courage and hope for what you need in your life from them.

Stories

We all have stories to tell.

I started this blog as a forum to journey through adoption reunion. It has become a venue to vent the opening and the closing of adoption records in Ontario. That is not quite what I had in mind when I sat to type my first entry. I really wanted the words to take me to places that my heart struggled with. I wanted it to be a place I could safely tell my story. Not just to those of you who would read it but to myself.

Over the past I have only allowed myself to hear small parts of the story. The story was always too painful to tell in its entirety. I would remember or tell myself small sections of it when I needed to. When that become too much I would stop. It is hard to capture not only the events but the tremendous emotions that hang on each of those events. I also needed a place to explore why the story needed to be told at all. Was it a record of history for me or my family? Was it simply a novel to entertain? Why was telling the story so important?



For many years only my closest friends would hear parts of the story. It was a secret story that I shared cautiously. When I felt I could trust that they would still accept me I would sit them down and start by saying, "I have something to tell you that you are going to be surprised at. I hope you will not think lesser of me." Then I would tell them the parts of the story that I felt I could trust them with. Once that particular part of the story was told, I felt bonded to that person.



Maybe the story became such a big deal to me because I had been treated like I was a secret and the story was a secret. Tied up in the story were the feelings and emotions of being not good enough, in fact of being down right bad. When does a child learn they are bad? What does it take to make a child feel that they are forever not good enough? When I received my first university degree all I could think about was am I acceptable now, am I good enough now?


As I watched my daughter-in-law feeding my granddaughter tonight at supper I marveled at what a good mother she was. My granddaughter took her food and mashed it in her hair and face. Her face had carrot and banana and cauliflower on it, her hair was shades of orange and white. She squished it all through her fingers. She was a fine mess! My daughter-in-law didn't scold her or pull her arms away or in anyway make her feel that she had done something wrong. She simply said that she knew somebody who was going to have a bath tonight. It made me think that this little girl was most fortunate to have a mom that did not make her feel bad. I am not sure if my self-esteem was worn down or just never built up in a postive sense. I am not sure if that happened before I became pregnant at 15 years of age or if it was after that when I was made to feel worthless. I have wondered where I would be today if my parents would have stood by me no matter what kind of mess I was in.

Over the past few years I have come to realize, especially on good days, that it is only myself that I really need acceptance from. Generally I do like myself and I am happy with where life has brought me. I think the path I took was difficult but I know beyond a doubt that I would not be the person I am today if I had traveled a different route. I hope as my story unfolds you will see for yourself too that we are who we are because of the journey. We are the people we are because we continue and don't give up. We are the best we can be! I have my children, the ones I raised and the one I didn't as well as my husband to thank today for that affirmation.

Roller Coasters and Reunions

I use to love riding roller coasters!

The wildest roller coaster I had ever ridden on was a number of years ago at Canada's Wonderland. Canada's Longest Wooden Coaster - The Mighty Canadian Minebuster was the roller coaster that was the scariest I had ever experienced. The scariest that is until I started on this journey called Adoption Reunion! Maybe it is the slow moving climbs of working through establishing a relationship that is scary or maybe it is the fast decending emotional crashes that come after a great visit that makes me feel like I am going off the tracks that is scarier still. Maybe it is just not knowing what is around the bend that is enough to make me white knuckled. No matter what it is I am on this ride for the rest of my life.

This past week has been filled with the kind of ups and downs life and reunions have. I have hoped and dreamed and had both dashed in a few words delivered by a judge that doesn't even know I exist. I am still surprised with my reaction to the verdict delivered in Ontario to the adoption community at large. My life has not been altered by it yet I feel that I have just dipped through a curve on the roller coaster! I still have my first born in my life. I still enjoy the knowledge that he is happy and well. I am still given pictures and updates of my granddaughter regularly. What has changed? Nothing. Maybe that is the point. Maybe the fact that nothing has changed in 37 years, 5 months and 20 days is what is scary!

Adoption is still a four letter word times two! There is no glory in adoption for the child who has lived without knowing their true identity, there is no glory in it for the adopting parents who only whisper the word to closest family and friends and there is certainly no glory in it for the woman who gave birth only to be treated as a non-entity with no rights to love or know their child. Thanks to the judge in Ontario adoption is still a bad word.

When I gave birth I was a child myself. Choices and decisions made for me when I was a child are one thing. Making choices and decisions as an adult should be mine, not a judge who does not know anything about me. Like I said, nothing has changed. I am still made to feel that I am not responsible enough, good enough or wise enough to make good choices or decisions for myself. I am not that sixteen year old anymore and neither are the quarter of a million women in Ontario who lost their children to adoption. We do not have two heads, we are not criminals and we do not want to hurt our children!

I had a birthday this week. I guess I should say I am 38 plus 16 years old. The 16 year old never goes away.

And, I still like roller coasters but I guess I don't need to hop on one these days. I live on one every day of my life in this journey called adoption reunion.

Live as if Mom to...

There does not seem to be any end to the feelings of despair that often come to walk along side of adoption reliquishment and reunion. Sometimes joy will join the journey for a time. More often anger, resentment or fear will be the sojourners. Today I feel I travel alone in saddness, yet I know that hundreds if not thousands join my walk. The walk is more like a fall night running through a maze-in-corn! You cannot see over the tops of the growth that represents the trials, nor can you see beyond where the next curve will take you.
A single judge in Ontario has vetoed the Adoption Disclosure law that had opened records for all those adults who wanted to make a choice for information. A single judge was able to decide the fate of those who slept last night in hope. A single judge, just one man, was able to decide that what a government, elected by the people, thought was right was really not acceptable and to side with a minority. He sided with a minority of three adoptees and one adopting parent who could not accept that their rights were really not being trampled on through the maze. The minority felt the need to speak for others. I for one do not need someone to speak for me. That happened 37 years, 5 months and 16 days ago when I was not allowed to speak about what I wanted or what I thought was best. Back then a minority and a single judge, just one man, decided for me. I remember standing before that faceless judge, filled with a shame that had been imposed upon me and listened while he told me I was being stripped of all rights I had to a child that my body had nourished and incubated for nine months. He told me I had no rights left to love this child bound to me by more that just a umbilical cord.

Unlike the countless mothers who have had no contact with their children, I have been in a successful reunion with my son for 2 years now. I do feel badly for all those who are hurting from the decision this one judge in Ontario has delivered. Like a blow directly to the heart he has managed to reaffict what was rendered many years before.

The application I sent off on Monday was received in Thunder Bay yesterday. I have the printed proof. Now it likely is sitting in a file on someone's desk while the government and the law attempt to be omnipotent. I have no voice. I am just the woman, who was a girl, who had a child that was lost to adoption because the law attempted to be omnipotent!
For me this new law would have allowed me to put in place one of the final pieces in puzzle but I can live with that peice missing because I have the most important peices. Perhaps as the days go by I can reassess my thoughts and feelings about this latest development. Meanwhile I will try to count my blessings, live in the times when joy and peace and contentment join me on this journey called reunion.
For those women who are heartbroken my only advice is to never, never give up hope. Never give up your claim as a first mom, a natural mom, as just "Mom". You may be missing important pieces of the puzzle because they have been taken from you but the peice of being mom they cannot take from you. You are the Mother of a daughter or a son. The cord of love is far stronger than any umbilical cord cut at birth or thread of law that might be changed or challenged to severe a connection. Keep the faith. If our children were adopted with the clause "as if born to" we should live "as if Mom to"......

My first post was about, what a change a day can make. All I can think of is WHAT A DIFFERNCE A DAY CAN MAKE! Tomorrow is a new day and those who are fighting our cause will be in my prayers.

Filling in the forms

I was surprised with my reaction today. I was surprised that the first thought before my feet hit the floor when I awoke was about the forms that were to be made available. Ontario Adoption Disclosure law was now in effect and I was going to be allowed to request information on papers that should have rightfully been given to me years ago. I had given birth but had no proof but what I carried in my heart for 37 years.

I went straight to the computer and searched...waited...and looked. At first I couldn't find the forms but when I did I cried. I am not sure why. Tears for a time so long ago. Perhaps those tears were really to wash away the stigma I have felt for so many years. The stigma of shame placed on me and the feelings of just not being good enough, not being good enough to be a mother, not being good enough for anyone to love.

I filled the forms out. That too was emotional and difficult. It took me back to a time when the government once asked me to fill in a form, as child, making a decision that I had not decided for myself. I was not even good enough to make that choice alone. I am sure there were tears on the original forms and there were tears on these new ones. How would I ever be able to see through my tears to drive to the post office?

The postal clerk answered my questions as if this letter was just another letter going through the mail. I wanted to yell and tell her that this letter was different. This letter was validating me as a person and it was the piece of the puzzle that was left unanswered and today that was changing. Registered mail or xpresspost, those were my choices. I wanted to add that I could drive to the office of the Registrar General 450 miles away but the application information had already told my that they would not accept walk in applicants. I went with registered mail. I could track it, I could virtually watch as it left the post office and arrived in Thunder Bay, signed, sealed and delivered.

Thunder Bay, how ironic that is the place that I was sending my application for the original birth certificate and notice of adoption. Thunder Bay was the place it all started. I remember well McKellar Hospital and the Salvation Army Florence Booth Home for Unwed Mother on Lillie Street. Memory doesn't dim some things. Now 37 years, 5 months and 14 days later I am sending off a registered letter to that same city, but who is counting?

"Registered mail", I told the clerk and then the tears came again. I told her it was a special letter when she saw them. Then I told her my story. After she congratulated me as if I had won a lottery. So did the people standing in the line behind me as they too listened to my story. No lottery could feel this good. Another weight had been lifted off of me. That is the way it has been since the reunion journey began. Maybe it is better described as layers of guilt, shame and worthlessness being peeled off of me with each step.

Tonight I will sleep better. Now comes the wait. Waiting is something I have done well and for a long time.

Ontario Adoption Disclosure Laws Change Tomorrow

The change a day can make!

Tomorrow when we wake up it all changes. Tomorrow in Ontario, Canada the adoption laws that were set in place so many years ago will be forever altered and along with it the lives of many people. I for one have been on this journey for 37 years, 5 months, 13 days, give or take about nine months. Tomorrow the Ontario law that has kept adoptee and birthmother seperated will be no more. The Ontario government is amending that law. After the passing of Bill 183 in 2005, on Monday September 17, 2007 application for adult adoptees and birth parents to apply for information in original birth registrations and adoption orders will be in place. The government web site www.ontarioservice.ca is the place to go to take the next step in your own personal journey in adoption reunion. Tomorrow the forms are to be posted. Tomorrow it all changes.

I have started this site as a way to document the change a day can make. For me it is not about reunion because reunion is only one small step in the journey. I was reunited with my wonderful birthson two years ago and we are enjoying a relationship. The change in this law does not guarentee or even hint at a relationship. I am one of the fortunate ones. Still, somehow tomorrow marks a change for me. I will apply along with the hundreds of hopefuls for the last piece of the puzzle. The piece I personally cannot remember. It is that paper work seems to have vanished from the memory. Perhaps that paper work was too painful to even remember. Funny, the labour pains, the smile of my beautiful baby boy, the painful act of saying goodbye are imbedded in my mind, but the paper work has vanished. Tomorrow is the day that will change all that.


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